The smell of rain always brings me shelter. Its simplicity & ease makes me feel home;
Home in my body and totally immersed in connection. My biggest fear in life is drowning, yet I always find myself craving the deepest parts of the Sea. Like the waters, I too hold secrets…. whispers from other realms that tenderly wash over me begging to be heard, held, understood. This is all I have ever wanted. One thing I admire about water is its fearlessness. Water is never confined, and in a Moment of defeat, water Surrenders. I see myself in this way…..but it took a long time to arrive here. When I was 6, water led me to Spirit.
I remember the first time I met my Great Grandmother….it was pouring rain and I was alone playing with my barbies and there she was; A Spirit person standing warmly in my living room. She held a baby in her arms and told me “Come look, this is your sister.” I was not afraid, but strangely comforted. She never had to formally introduce herself to me because my soul already knew; I could feel her love. Both my Great-Grandmother and my sister passed away before I was born so I never had the opportunity to physically meet them, however, I have spent a lot of time with them in their Spirit form. As I grew older, these visitations from my loved ones would lessen and my gift became more secretive. I did everything I could to hide from the ridicule, even if it meant hiding myself. There are many people who simply don’t understand and I continue to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me.
Throughout my life, I’ve shunned myself in many ways to protect my gift, my identity, my peace. It is not easy for me to come out and say that I am a Medium, but there is something really brave about authenticity that makes me crave more of it….
Authenticity requires the “whole”……it requires radical acceptance, love, fearlessness. I've come to the realization that my journey through Mediumship is not one where I search for healing nor is it one of finding redemption but rather, it’s a journey of freedom and Unity within myself. I’ve lost many friends for being….who I am, and from this…I have harbored Anger, resentment and grudges that feel heavy to my core. So then…. I begin to write it out.
If I could say anything, I’d say that….Sometimes it's hard to find words; Sometimes it's hard to describe what we are feeling and the experiences that touch us….maybe that’s because these emotions exist only in the parts of our body that most of us have yet to explore.
Our dark, feared, vilified spaces.
I have heard it many times before; that this body is Sinful.
But…..My Sacredness does not fear my Sin.
Holy is everything that I already am; every lesion, bruise, and empty space….
I make room for my mess….
There is no part of me left unexplored.
This body; a conduit for passion & declaration……A tangible pillar of Courage…
I choose to never starve myself of this again; to never deplete myself of using my voice or expressing my grief.
I choose to embody my Truth and never beg for Salvation
I choose to exist without shame, and that invites me to breathe a little deeper, exhale loudly, let out my stomach, allow my feelings to feel….
I am so much more than skin and bones. I am more than this.
There is something really powerful in the ways of existing like Art, or Poetry.
This is exactly how I want to show up in the world…….like art.
I want to be unafraid to talk slowly, take up space & be heard.
I want to feel safe enough to pause and allow my silence to speak for itself.
I want to be tender.......and tend to my emotions.
I am someone who is calmed by my own Storm; Finding Refuge not only in my virtue, but also in my Vice; The pain that moves through me…
My raw, real, vulnerable spaces…..Sheltered only & ever by Surrender.
I am my own Memoir; Messy with no shape to be molded or constrained; but rather, a malleable, real, breathable being.
& If I am anything…..I am unrepentantly human and at War with nothing.
This flesh; not beneath any blessing or scripture……
but a physical fulfillment of it, every bone, every vain, every flaw.
My Transgressions are not an inadequacy; but my Guide to grace.
My brokenness teaches me how to release my grip……how to melt into my softness and return to myself.
This is all I want.
To be looked at like Art and soaked in like Poetry; Appreciated yet lovingly misunderstood.
All my edges…every part…Is heard, held, understood.
An authentically Unified being.